Friday, April 4, 2008
Behavioral Problems with my Homeschooled Son
I really didn't want to write about this issue because it hits so close to home, but it's where all my thoughts and energy have been going lately and the reason why I've not been posting as frequently to this blog as I'd like to.
We're having such big behavior problems with our first grader that my husband is ready to enroll him in public school. I'm not quite there yet, but I've toyed with the idea in my head and occasionally have told our son that this is where we might be heading if things don't change.
It's not just during school that we're having problems and it's not just at home, but pretty much anytime he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do we have a tantrum and a very angry child on our hands. I could write about this all night, so I'm trying to focus my words on just the points that really communicate the problem... rather than filling this space with a lot of woe is me.
We've had this problem off and on all year, but lately the outbursts are growing more intense. What started months ago with tears has now turned into screaming and ranting, storming and stomping, even ramming his body into mine and placing his fist in my face. He's not hitting, but I wonder what's next. Yes, it's bad.
We're a Christian family and I have this vision of what we should look like. It's probably totally unrealistic, but having my son yell at me when I was called to his Sunday School class on Sunday over behavior problems was more than I could stand. I didn't know what to say or do as one of the male volunteers held him still so he wouldn't ram himself at me or take off running down the hall. I don't know what to do now either, as I sit and type wondering how things have grown so out of control and wonder where all the hostility and anger come from.
He's a very happy boy. Yes, he is. Given the right conditions. Give him a book, give him his pirate ship, give him his free-time and he happily fills his time well. He's not lazy, he's very inquisitive, very intelligent, very into learning about the world around him, just so long as it's what he wants to do, in the way he wants to do it. Given those conditions then, oh yes the world his a happy place and he's beaming ear to ear. Ask him to sit down and do his math lesson or even talk about the clock on the mantel and he screams bloody murder. "5 more minutes! Let me play longer. No! I don't want to. Please mommy no!" and so on, and so on. I'm talking real screams now... along with tears, anger and even rage.
His behavior is so bad I've even been researching whether there could be a connection to his emotional troubles with a few oddities I've noticed in him. His refusal or inability to go to sleep before 11:30 pm, his obsession for hand washing, the strange rituals I notice with the living room furniture... touching one end, running to the other to touch that end, then repeating on another piece of furniture. His awkwardness, his speech impediment, the fact that he still can't tie his shoes and occasionally needs help in the bathroom, and his attention issues... could they all somehow be related? Have we missed something? Someone at church suggested Asperger's. Could it be?
I'm seeking answers and praying that I'm asking the right people the right questions. We have a well-child exam on the 24th and I'm making my list for his new pediatrician and hoping that she'll be able to provide me with some direction. I also have a meeting scheduled for the 23rd with the dreaded public school, where's he's recently been evaluated for speech and hearing. The school meeting consists of a panel of people coming together to discuss my son's issues. I hate that word. Sigh. I don't know what to expect from this panel which will include a child psychologist, but I do look forward to picking her brain (hoping she's not a quack). If she is a quack, guess it's only going to be a problem for the moment I'm forced to listen to her rambles, since he's not a student there, but I still hope this visit and the one to the pediatrician will get us closer to finding some answers and even better a solution.
I never knew how hard it would be to parent a child. In many ways I feel like my son isn't becoming the independent person he should be and that has me worried. One thing I know for sure... parenting isn't easy for anyone. All families have their struggles. I know we'll survive this and I'm sure we're not alone. I'm also fairly certain that sending him to school in the fall would not solve any of our problems or his issues. Just wish I knew how to manage this special little guy.
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4 comments:
Wendy - I suggest researching sensory issues. If the person who loves him the most can't help him, I don't see how school would be a benefit. Here's a link to a book that I love:
http://www.amazon.ca/Everything-Parents-Sensory-Integration-Disorder/dp/1593377142/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1207359632&sr=1-1
I found your blog through a link from another site and I hope that I am not being to forward in my statement here, but I agree with the previous comment. In my former life I was a behavioral specialist with pre-teens and adolescents and the one thing I can assure you of is PS is not going to fix the situation by any means. Children with differences (i prefer differences over the word issues - just has a better undertone) get pushed to the side, picked on and bullied in most PS situations. Speak to the new doctor for sure, but IMHO most school psychologists are so used to and/or expected to label that they will find a mold for your child to fit into, so I would ask your doctor about getting an evaluation outside any school systems. Even then I would recommend that you are very careful with any diagnosis or label because sometimes kids are just being kids and need to get through the bump. On any given day you could pick 1 of 100 kids and find traits with in them that make you think they have XYZ diagnosis. I am not saying that kids don't ever have any disorders, it is just really hard to tell sometimes. Keep your faith in your child and love him first and foremost, you will make the right decision! HTH
Good Luck and Blessings,
Thanks to both of you for your comments. It seems nearly everyone I share with (everyone outside the PS system) agrees that it would be a mistake to send him to school. My dh and I spoke about this last night and basically came to the same conclusion (together). It's just going to be a learning experience for the family as we try to create the best learning environment while pouring out the encouragement in maximum doses. I'll be writing more on this soon!
This sounds just like my son when he was younger. This didn't change the older he grew though, but got worse. Public school to be honest only made matters worse. He had an IEP, and placed with other Special Ed students. I thought this would help because the class size was reduced and he'd get more one on one. In some ways it helped. Other ways it made things worse.
Now this could be a county or state thing, but when kids have outbursts here (special ed kids), they have a "timeout ROOM". Yes, a bare room a little larger than a closet. There is an aid that stands on the outside of the door with their hand on a metal plate. The reason for this is the room is locked. If a hand is removed from the metal plate, the door becomes unlocked. THis ensures a person is there the entire time a child is in "the room" and can "somewhat" monitor through the tiny window (non-breakable). Nice punishment, eh? Lock em in a room and let them rant and rave till their exhausted or it's "controlled". I found out one day my son spent most of the day in "the room".
He is on meds now, but as he was still special ed, it only got worse with the school as he went to a higher grade and put in the public school where the county sends ALL the disruptive kids (only some of which have a true medical condition causing the issue, like my son). Needless to say, although his condition has lessened with the meds, he has his moments when it comes up. Now he not only gets "the room" but he learned all kinds of "wonderful" (being sarcastic) attitude, phrases, and behavior not associated with his condition earlier... from the other students. Oh great.
Long story short, my son was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder. He is also ADHD. The diagnoses was years in the workings, but once they narrowed it down, it was true to mark.
He has difficulty with nightly sleep, often gets up and just wanders, then can't get back to sleep. ALthough in the mornings I don't have that much difficulty waking him. His "manic" portion of the bipolar is when he gets out of hand. A single "trigger" could set him off into a rage. The way I had to work with him was not to be confrontational, but keep my voice low and consistant... soothing. Changing the subject to something else. Basically the easiest way to do this was think of a way to try to make him laugh sometimes.
Now at school when he would get a manic moment, they were confrontational and it would blow from there because they wouldn't let up. I'd get there and they'd be grilling him with "don't you understand the consequenses....." and I finally fired back "NO he doesn't when he's like this. It's part of his condition!!" His psyciatrist also agrees the school does not know how to best handle my son and makes things worse.
Thus my decision to yank my 14 year old out of school at the end of his 8th grade year. I'm sick of them and their attitudes. I sent them literature from a national organization regarding bipolar conditions in children. I didn't even get a reply back. I asked his counselor at school if she got the e-mail and attachment, and she commented she did and it looked like good reading. THat was some time ago and nothing more heard from since.
ALthough as a student, he's an excellent student that gets great grades! They just don't understand his disorder.
oOOOOOh sorry for the book here. This is a touchy subject for me because I fear the public school system may do more harm than good.
Sandy M
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