I've once again been fighting with myself on if and when to bring my son back home from public school. If you've followed this blog for very long, or if you've read the "about me" page here on The Homeschooling Blog, you know we sent our high-functioning autistic son to public school over 2 years ago.
He's had many ups and downs since attending a brick and mortar school, but overall I'd say it's been a positive experience. He's made friends (something he'd never done before as he is socially awkward), cooperates well with teachers and other students and has almost all A's while attending a regular classroom. However.... he's an emotional roller coaster. Worrying excessively about friends (mainly about loosing friends). He worries about homework, about changes at school (change is a horribly difficult thing for children on the autism spectrum), and then there's worry about his pace. It takes him considerably longer to complete tasks compared to that of his peers. He misses a lot at school because he's finishing assignments other children completed hours or days before. He hates art class. Can you imagine? He never has time to finish a project. Walking through the halls of his school are walls filled with artwork. My son's are either nowhere to be found, or they're only partially completed. Again... not what he wants to be noticed for.
He knows he's different. He knows why he's different. He worries that other children will abandon him when they too realize he's different. At 10 years of age, it's starting to happen. His friends are getting older and maturing. My son is getting older and remains emotionally immature. Such is life with Asperger's Syndrome. I'm really unsettled by the anxiety in my boy lately. He's so fearful of the changing social situations at school as he ends his 4th grade year and begins preparing for his last year of elementary school.
Tonight's concern is about the potential for losing his best friend. This particular boy has been a good friend for 2 years now (his first "best friend" and honesty first "real" friend). Kids with Asperger's don't make friends easily. I'd prayed hard for him to make a good friend.... and there he was. What a blessing! A great kid who loved my son, and felt a mutual "best friend" connection. Apparently this boy has been pulling away from my boy recently. It's hard to comfort a 10 year old who senses a friend is drifting away when they know that "most" kids see them as nerdy, annoying, and strange. My son is in fact awkward, has a heavy stutter, doesn't know how to talk about any area of interest other than Pokemon and is highly emotional. He finds out tomorrow if his best friend will be in the same classroom with him at school next year. I'd requested the school place them together, but there are no guarantees. I've asked my boy to pray for God's will... I've done the same and I've explained that God's will doesn't always match our own, but that He has a plan for each of us... a perfect plan. This hasn't brought the results I'd hoped for. With my warm motherly advice I've wiped just as many tears from my son's face as without it.
I know that this type of emotional baggage is a real and normal part of life... and it isn't in and of itself a good reason for bringing him home again anymore than concerns about socialization are in and of themselves a good reason to send a child to a brick and mortar school. There is so much to consider. There are no easy answers. I just worry about his emotional well being. He suffers from high-anxiety and takes medication... which doesn't help all that much. It's made him less aggressive (something he only struggles with at home, not at school) and helps him sleep at night, but he's still a worrier to the point that he misses A LOT of school with stomach issues and headaches. He freaks out about the amount of homework he has... even 2 pages seems to be too much. He faces any academic challenge after school hours with tears, frustration, and even anger.
I sometimes wonder if it is time to bring him home again, give him a different curriculum to follow and let him go at his own pace? He's likely suffering from sensory overload at school. Maybe I could give him a better environment for learning? Then again... one of our reasons for sending him to school in the first place was he refused to let me teach him anything. Sigh... by the time we'd started 2nd grade my son wanted to fight me on every lesson. I couldn't even get him to pick up a pencil.
He's a bright boy... so whether we homeschool or not, it's hard to know where to draw a line academically. Do we let him fall behind his grade level if it keeps him emotionally healthier, or... with a little pushing keep him parallel with his peers (sorta), at the price of family friction, stomach problems, migraines, and horrible meltdowns? Even as I ask this question I realize how foolish I sound.
He's an awesome boy. I hate to see him suffer. If he weren't a special needs child I'd say this is all part of growing up, it will help him build character, and he'll be ok. With my boy... I'm not sure he will be. I could really use prayer. I need guidance, reassurance, and a lot of sleep. It's been a long week. Thanks for listening (or should I say reading).
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