I went to bed very heavy-hearted last night. I guess you could say I didn't have the best Mother's Day. Not really the best day period. In fact, I struggled all day with frustration at the men in my life... my son included.
It's amazing to me how the right words, at the right time can bring peace during the most intense of storms. This particular storm was inside my very female heart and my weary head... not that I mean it wasn't real, but it was pretty much contained within me. There weren't any dark clouds over anyone else last night... just a broken mommy, sitting at the foot of her bed wondering where her joy had gone.
The types of hurts I was experiencing and continue to deal with are very personal and targeted... meaning they seem to have my name on them. Like arrows from a well aimed bow. I'm struggling everyday not to allow that hurt I feel to in turn hurt others, even in subtle ways, like a sour mood or attitude.
Ok... so what is she talking about anyway? lol Well, without going into a lot of detail I'll just say I feel rejected. My son's attitude towards me is very sour and seems to be getting more so all the time. The ugliness that's been coming from him seems to have been learned... I don't want to go into too much detail there, but needless to say, I'm now praying for my 7 year old to learn the right way to treat mommy... and others. In many ways, that lesson is out of my hands. Not completely... but considering there are other influences outside of my control, I have to give this situation over to the Lord and there is great peace in knowing this situation is the Lord's baby... not mine. When I forgot for a time, and thought it was all on me, I couldn't find my happy place. In fact, the world seemed very dark and lonely. How is it that I always forget, when the storm hits, that it's not all on me? I'm not sure, but I do it every time.
So last night my heart and head did a complete 180 when the Lord had to once again remind me that my life was His, not my own. That my troubles were His, not my own. That my future and the future of my family was in His hands... not mine! I just needed someone to remind me... and it was too late to call on a friend, but God made a way. By the way... why is it women always want to pick up the phone before they pray... even instead of pray?
God's way of setting me straight, this time around, was through the words of Christian author, Jodie Berndt. The title of her book had grasped my attention the moment I first saw it in the hands of a friend at church. That book... Praying the Scriptures for your Children is now in my own personal library. I ordered it online and rec'd it in the mail last week, but didn't actually crack it open until last night. I needed something and there it was. It was what I needed.
I flipped right to the chapter on praying for the relationship with your child. I felt my heavy heart being lifted instantly. My tears instantly stopped, the pain in my heart was carried far away and I remembered once again who was in charge of things. I then went to Him and asked that He heal this situation. I know that He will. How long will it take? I don't have an answer for that, but at least I have my peace again.
Jodie Berndt's book... Praying the Scriptures for your Children
not only provides wonderful encouragement, but also provides prayers taken directly from scripture that you can use when praying for your children. I don't feel qualified just yet to review the book in its entirety, since I've only completed one chapter that starts on page 185, lol, but that chapter and the fact that I was able to feel whole again, able to sleep in peace without an umbrella or a life jacket... oh, that's at least enough for me to share the joy I found in chapter 16.I'm anticipating reading the entire book, but hopefully I'll not wait until I'm drowning in a flood of dispair before I crack it open again.
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